Yo.
Ah, so much has changed...
I no longer have any actual feelings for Antony.
I'm feeling better about leaving this school.
And I have a date.
Cept not really. *haha, gotcha*
Ok, so here's what happened:
I asked my friend Jake to the 8th grade dance [referring to it as a cool way for us to hang out without having to wait another year]. I asked him 3-5 days ago.
He made up with his girlfriend 2 days ago. FML
Oh well. I'm just glad he's my friend... When he told me that I acted really stupid for a little bit [guess that's the ex-gf in me...] but he was so nice about the whole thing... I love that guy [as my friend!] ^_^
Loses and I are singing "The Beach" by ATL for the talent showcase =D Awesomeness.
Loses, if you read this, we need to fill out that form...like tomorrow.
So, yeah, that's my life now.
Loveless *thank God* and [except for all the exams this week] excited for life.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
You Work On a Smile and you go for a ride. You had a Bad Day.
My group of friends is tearing itself apart. I shall say no more because I'm freaking sick of it all. As well as most of them.
This morning I got to miss the first 3 periods of school (the fun ones) to get an MRI. I was told it wouldn't take long.
It took a freaking hour.
I was told it would be painless.
Here's where it gets complicated. The process itself was painless, but after lying still for almost an hour, my muscles started tightening and I felt the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life. It was all over me. The only minor distractions that I had were the extremely loud knocking and beeping and buzzing and high-pitched and bongo and ocarina and....strangely rhythmic noises that came at random intervals. My awareness almost completely left me. Before we started, the doctor gave me a thing that was plugged into the MRI machine and told me to squeeze it if I was in pain or scared. I guess I must have done it involuntarily because I suddenly heard his voice on a speaker, but the only words I could hear through my screen of confused subconsciousness and pain were "scan" and "all right." To recalibrate which part of my spine was being scanned, the doctor had to come into the room and momentarily pull the bed out again. After this incident, he pulled me out and I started trying to ask if I could get up, but I couldn't speak. My words were incoherent. I tried to sit up while I tried to talk, but found that I was so stiff that I couldn't move. "Only about 10 more minutes," he said as he began to move the bed back into the tube. Some of my awareness began to come back to me. 'Ok, 10 minutes. I can do this. I just need to think about something good to pass the time. Now...what could I think about?' The first thing that came to mind:
Antony.
Last week, I had a full week. I could only go out to dismissal once, and that one time was on Thursday. By then, something had happened.
He no longer waited for me to come outside and sit next to him. He didn't seem to take any notice of me at all.
He just sat there talking to Parker.
And that's how it's been. As far as I know, it's only been four days, but it feels so much longer.
So, so much longer...
He used to smile at me.
Between 3rd and 4th period, we always pass each other in the hallway, and almost every day he would look directly at me and smile and nod.
Directly at me.
I told Chris about it today at dismissal, and he read me this quote: Rather be lonely in love, than alive with you and dead.
Yeah. Right.
He said "So, what, he just doesn't want to talk to you anymore?"
Me: Yeah, kinda...
Chris: Oh... What happened?
I looked down. I spoke in hardly a voice at all. It was an almost silent whimper of "I don't know."
I'm not his girlfriend, or anything. He's allowed to have friends other than me. And I'm trying to tell myself this, hoping that these truths will resolve my issues, but...
I just miss it. I miss how he made me laugh and the sound of his voice and how I could never stop smiling when he talked to me and how it felt like...no one else was around... I miss that sense of value he gave me. I miss feeling visible.
Aside from all that, why is this such a big deal? My friends seem to care about me more now (or at least a couple. The rest have either stayed the same [which may not be bad] or just don't give a crap about me at all)...and I haven't felt like I'm a conversational medium lately...but...maybe I'm...no...is this...some kind of...impossible......
Love?
This morning I got to miss the first 3 periods of school (the fun ones) to get an MRI. I was told it wouldn't take long.
It took a freaking hour.
I was told it would be painless.
Here's where it gets complicated. The process itself was painless, but after lying still for almost an hour, my muscles started tightening and I felt the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my life. It was all over me. The only minor distractions that I had were the extremely loud knocking and beeping and buzzing and high-pitched and bongo and ocarina and....strangely rhythmic noises that came at random intervals. My awareness almost completely left me. Before we started, the doctor gave me a thing that was plugged into the MRI machine and told me to squeeze it if I was in pain or scared. I guess I must have done it involuntarily because I suddenly heard his voice on a speaker, but the only words I could hear through my screen of confused subconsciousness and pain were "scan" and "all right." To recalibrate which part of my spine was being scanned, the doctor had to come into the room and momentarily pull the bed out again. After this incident, he pulled me out and I started trying to ask if I could get up, but I couldn't speak. My words were incoherent. I tried to sit up while I tried to talk, but found that I was so stiff that I couldn't move. "Only about 10 more minutes," he said as he began to move the bed back into the tube. Some of my awareness began to come back to me. 'Ok, 10 minutes. I can do this. I just need to think about something good to pass the time. Now...what could I think about?' The first thing that came to mind:
Antony.
Last week, I had a full week. I could only go out to dismissal once, and that one time was on Thursday. By then, something had happened.
He no longer waited for me to come outside and sit next to him. He didn't seem to take any notice of me at all.
He just sat there talking to Parker.
And that's how it's been. As far as I know, it's only been four days, but it feels so much longer.
So, so much longer...
He used to smile at me.
Between 3rd and 4th period, we always pass each other in the hallway, and almost every day he would look directly at me and smile and nod.
Directly at me.
I told Chris about it today at dismissal, and he read me this quote: Rather be lonely in love, than alive with you and dead.
Yeah. Right.
He said "So, what, he just doesn't want to talk to you anymore?"
Me: Yeah, kinda...
Chris: Oh... What happened?
I looked down. I spoke in hardly a voice at all. It was an almost silent whimper of "I don't know."
I'm not his girlfriend, or anything. He's allowed to have friends other than me. And I'm trying to tell myself this, hoping that these truths will resolve my issues, but...
I just miss it. I miss how he made me laugh and the sound of his voice and how I could never stop smiling when he talked to me and how it felt like...no one else was around... I miss that sense of value he gave me. I miss feeling visible.
Aside from all that, why is this such a big deal? My friends seem to care about me more now (or at least a couple. The rest have either stayed the same [which may not be bad] or just don't give a crap about me at all)...and I haven't felt like I'm a conversational medium lately...but...maybe I'm...no...is this...some kind of...impossible......
Love?
Saturday, March 14, 2009
If I never see your face again, I don't mind.
After my last post...
Amber and I made it to state for NHD.
Can you say irony?
A table fell, our projector wouldn't turn on , and when it finally did, the computer died. Our scenes were non-existent. We had to improvise our costume changes without transition of decades music. Amber said "...thanks to the protests of Negroes around the world." And we placed second. And we're moving on.
But, we have to practice once a week (or once every two weeks) until April 25th. Gr.
I am perpetually tired from going to Anderson for that, and from the party afterward... Again, Stephen was a complete ass. I really don't like that guy lately.
At all.
He tried to take control of the party (as he does with EVERY clan thing which annoys the HELL out of me). He started texting Janna after he left, and accused Lois of having some personal vendetta against him, and then said that he wanted to make her feel bad. He TOLD JANNA to MAKE LOIS FEEL BAD.
w.t.f.
And after Lois told Janna to text him back with her thoughts on that, he sent her a lengthy facebook message about *I'm assuming* her "personal vendetta."
DUDE.
You can't accuse someone of having something against you and then tell their friend to MAKE THEM FEEL BAD and then NOT expect them to get mad! I question why we hang out with some of these guys.
Increasingly.
I had cake for breakfast.
Oh! And I got clotheslined (thanks, Zack T_T) and I hit my head this morning.
EDIT: My friends once again showed their ASS HOLEISHNESS and how little they care about what I say or do once again at the party. We played Mafia, and I got to be the story teller for the first time in my life. "The city of Townsville," I began. At that moment EVERYONE started talking. Loudly. Only Loses noticed when I sat down on the table facing the floor in frustration and sadness.
Amber and I made it to state for NHD.
Can you say irony?
A table fell, our projector wouldn't turn on , and when it finally did, the computer died. Our scenes were non-existent. We had to improvise our costume changes without transition of decades music. Amber said "...thanks to the protests of Negroes around the world." And we placed second. And we're moving on.
But, we have to practice once a week (or once every two weeks) until April 25th. Gr.
I am perpetually tired from going to Anderson for that, and from the party afterward... Again, Stephen was a complete ass. I really don't like that guy lately.
At all.
He tried to take control of the party (as he does with EVERY clan thing which annoys the HELL out of me). He started texting Janna after he left, and accused Lois of having some personal vendetta against him, and then said that he wanted to make her feel bad. He TOLD JANNA to MAKE LOIS FEEL BAD.
w.t.f.
And after Lois told Janna to text him back with her thoughts on that, he sent her a lengthy facebook message about *I'm assuming* her "personal vendetta."
DUDE.
You can't accuse someone of having something against you and then tell their friend to MAKE THEM FEEL BAD and then NOT expect them to get mad! I question why we hang out with some of these guys.
Increasingly.
I had cake for breakfast.
Oh! And I got clotheslined (thanks, Zack T_T) and I hit my head this morning.
EDIT: My friends once again showed their ASS HOLEISHNESS and how little they care about what I say or do once again at the party. We played Mafia, and I got to be the story teller for the first time in my life. "The city of Townsville," I began. At that moment EVERYONE started talking. Loudly. Only Loses noticed when I sat down on the table facing the floor in frustration and sadness.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
We've got a Big, Big Mess on our hands tonight...
URRRRGGGGG!!!
Shoot me. Shoot me NOW.
I HATE NHD!!!
It's seriously making me want to cry when I think about it.
Lines=not memorized. Costumes=not coordinated. Backgrounds=not totally set up.
And thanks to a stupid orthodontist appointment, I will now have to makeup the PASS essay on Thursday. Just cause I have to, I'm going to miss as many freaking classes as possible. Gr.
I'm glad this day turned out good for some people....
Where's MY highlight of freaking forever?
Shoot me. Shoot me NOW.
I HATE NHD!!!
It's seriously making me want to cry when I think about it.
Lines=not memorized. Costumes=not coordinated. Backgrounds=not totally set up.
And thanks to a stupid orthodontist appointment, I will now have to makeup the PASS essay on Thursday. Just cause I have to, I'm going to miss as many freaking classes as possible. Gr.
I'm glad this day turned out good for some people....
Where's MY highlight of freaking forever?
Monday, March 2, 2009
My friends are a Different Breed. My friends are Everything.
Ok, change of pace time!
Yeah, my friends can piss me off *coughlastpostcough* but they did something awesome on Saturday.
It was pretty much Inevitable that I was gonna miss "Cloverfield" at Clan Movie Night 2, so I wasn't going to go, but then I decided to go anyway, and it turned out that they waited like 2 1/2 hours until I got there to start the movies.
Now it's very likely that the majority of that time was cuz everyone was being psycho, but Janna called me about 10 minutes before I got there, asked if I was coming, and when I said yes, asked if they should wait for me to watch the movies. ^^
EDIT: And Jonathon was being an uber FREAK. During Cloverfeild, I propped my feat up next to his head (he was on some weird square chair/foot rest thing) and he turned around, blew on my foot, and then started grinning like a moron. Then, Harlan announced his mission to get hugs from everyone in the Clan, so Jonathon comes up, hugs Harlan, and then we all heard a KISSING NOISE, which Jonathon INSISTED was an air kiss. W.T.F.
oh, and yeah
IT FREAKIN SNOWED! REAL FREAKIN SNOW THAT'S SOFT AND WHITE AND IN GREENVILLE! AND THERE'S A LOT!
Yeah, my friends can piss me off *coughlastpostcough* but they did something awesome on Saturday.
It was pretty much Inevitable that I was gonna miss "Cloverfield" at Clan Movie Night 2, so I wasn't going to go, but then I decided to go anyway, and it turned out that they waited like 2 1/2 hours until I got there to start the movies.
Now it's very likely that the majority of that time was cuz everyone was being psycho, but Janna called me about 10 minutes before I got there, asked if I was coming, and when I said yes, asked if they should wait for me to watch the movies. ^^
EDIT: And Jonathon was being an uber FREAK. During Cloverfeild, I propped my feat up next to his head (he was on some weird square chair/foot rest thing) and he turned around, blew on my foot, and then started grinning like a moron. Then, Harlan announced his mission to get hugs from everyone in the Clan, so Jonathon comes up, hugs Harlan, and then we all heard a KISSING NOISE, which Jonathon INSISTED was an air kiss. W.T.F.
oh, and yeah
IT FREAKIN SNOWED! REAL FREAKIN SNOW THAT'S SOFT AND WHITE AND IN GREENVILLE! AND THERE'S A LOT!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
I learned to Embrace my Invisibility. Then you came and Saw me.
Yeah, I know I broke my song lyric chain, but that works perfectly for this. And I might use it in one of my songs. So shut up. It counts.
I've been feeling slightly (...ok, a little more than slightly) ignored lately. I'll be talking to one person, and another person will be there and the first person will say off and then the other person will say something, and then they'll walk off and my previous role in the "conversation" is pretty much forgotten. I'm like a medium; conversations pass through me. I can name at least twice this week when that's happened, but I will not go into detail about that unless you ask.
Almost all of my friends have done this at one point or another (some less than others, some WAY less than others), and I guess I've just kinda learned to accept it. But it still hurts and bothers me that I don't seem to be good enough to talk to for some people who dare call themselves friends of mine.
Seriously, why?
Why am I such a wuss? Why is *insert [you all know what] name here* so...so...great? He's the only freakin person I can think of over the age of 11 that I talk to on a regular basis who's never done this to me before (family included), and that's really sad. If anyone tries to talk to him while he's talking to me, he'll kinda acknowledge them, and talks to them a LITTLE if and only if that's what it takes to make them shut up/go away, and then he'll start talking to me again. He even noticed when we sat at his lunch table today, dammit. He looked up at me and he smiled and waved. He's sweet...
It's sweet-Acknowldegement. Value.
I've been feeling slightly (...ok, a little more than slightly) ignored lately. I'll be talking to one person, and another person will be there and the first person will say off and then the other person will say something, and then they'll walk off and my previous role in the "conversation" is pretty much forgotten. I'm like a medium; conversations pass through me. I can name at least twice this week when that's happened, but I will not go into detail about that unless you ask.
Almost all of my friends have done this at one point or another (some less than others, some WAY less than others), and I guess I've just kinda learned to accept it. But it still hurts and bothers me that I don't seem to be good enough to talk to for some people who dare call themselves friends of mine.
Seriously, why?
Why am I such a wuss? Why is *insert [you all know what] name here* so...so...great? He's the only freakin person I can think of over the age of 11 that I talk to on a regular basis who's never done this to me before (family included), and that's really sad. If anyone tries to talk to him while he's talking to me, he'll kinda acknowledge them, and talks to them a LITTLE if and only if that's what it takes to make them shut up/go away, and then he'll start talking to me again. He even noticed when we sat at his lunch table today, dammit. He looked up at me and he smiled and waved. He's sweet...
It's sweet-Acknowldegement. Value.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Became as Mad as rabbits
Dylan, Stephen, and I went to Falls Park and filmed our music video for "Lost!" by Coldplay [but before, we met at Stephen's house and got cake =D]. On Valentine's Day. It was weird to walk around the park and be practically the only single person there.
We saw these three teenagers and the 1 guy with them was smoking and being totally insane. After we thought they left we started filming [I was singing] and I heard one of the girls from [apparently] above us say "She's good!" Bleh. Then they showed up later when we were outside Starbucks and the guy failed miserably at trying to show us "screamo", and proceeded to shout "I'm high, Jesus Christ!!" as they all walked away.
Then there was this second group of teenagers who wanted to watch Stephen and I "argue", but we ended up moving. When I was getting my jacket [Dylan and Stephen were standing a few yards from me] one of the girls said to me "Hey, tell your friend I'll give him a hand job if [can't remember]!" I don't know which friend she was talking about, nor do I WANT to. I was creeped out, so I just kinda walked off [and never mentioned that again until now].
I don't think our video's gonna turn out so great. We had a bunch of stuff in mind that we couldn't do because of our time/location, and Dylan was apparently on a timer [was being picked up at 6:15] so we had even LESS time, and all three of us never got to Stephen's house, so I never got to record on his Mac and may end up with male vocals in the video! I ended up walking back with just Stephen. And my mom drove passed us right as we were crossing the street to get on the road that goes to his house [talk about perfect timing XD] so I went home from there.
Yeah, interesting day...
We saw these three teenagers and the 1 guy with them was smoking and being totally insane. After we thought they left we started filming [I was singing] and I heard one of the girls from [apparently] above us say "She's good!" Bleh. Then they showed up later when we were outside Starbucks and the guy failed miserably at trying to show us "screamo", and proceeded to shout "I'm high, Jesus Christ!!" as they all walked away.
Then there was this second group of teenagers who wanted to watch Stephen and I "argue", but we ended up moving. When I was getting my jacket [Dylan and Stephen were standing a few yards from me] one of the girls said to me "Hey, tell your friend I'll give him a hand job if [can't remember]!" I don't know which friend she was talking about, nor do I WANT to. I was creeped out, so I just kinda walked off [and never mentioned that again until now].
I don't think our video's gonna turn out so great. We had a bunch of stuff in mind that we couldn't do because of our time/location, and Dylan was apparently on a timer [was being picked up at 6:15] so we had even LESS time, and all three of us never got to Stephen's house, so I never got to record on his Mac and may end up with male vocals in the video! I ended up walking back with just Stephen. And my mom drove passed us right as we were crossing the street to get on the road that goes to his house [talk about perfect timing XD] so I went home from there.
Yeah, interesting day...
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